So you're trying to lose weight. Who isn't? At least in America? You've got a plethora of diets to try and fail: Weight Watchers (now online so you can cheat at your discretion ;) ) , Atkins, South Beach, Jenny Craig, Mariah Carey (have twins and then tummy tuck), Jennifer Hudson (wait is that the same as Jenny Craig?), eDiets, iPhone apps (I admit I have 5 different ones that i consistently ignore!), and many many more! Even grocery stores are trying desperately to keep you lean by putting ratings on certain foods to show you that an apple is healthy and a twinkie, not so much. Because you didn't know that!
First, you need to start your day drinking a 16 oz glass of ice water mixed with a 2 oz shot of Jack Daniels. I mean apple cider vinegar. Somehow this "jump starts" the metabolism and helps you burn an extra 21,000 calories a day! I mean year! But you have to drink it every single morning. I just ran out of "apple cider vinegar" so I guess its off to the grocery store for me!
Second, to get rid of that cellulite on the back of your hamhocks you have to rub a combo of sea salt, cayenne pepper, cinnamon, and sesame oil into it. Hmmm I think I know what I'm having for dinner!
This is all I could find in my cupboard...think it will work?
Third, if you are feeling a little...unregular, you need to shoot saline up your netherlands and within 1-5 minutes it will "evacuate" faster than a pack of dogs on a three legged cat. And all the cool kids are doing it. Seriously, they told me.
Other things I'm currently doing that were influenced by me having way too much time on my hands when I should have been doing laundry or mopping the floor:
That movie Fat, Ugly, and Almost Dead. Or something like that. I watched it on Netflix last year and immediately wanted to buy a juicer and drink my way skinny and healthy. But I can't afford a juicer. And I'm pretty sure anything with kale squished in it tastes like complete ass. I'd be dumping way too much salt in it. Plus it takes a lot of work to chop all that crap up before you throw it in and with three kids and a house that constantly looks like its never been cleaned despite my arsenal of Shark products, who's got that kind of time?? V8 it is!
The Holy Grail of Creamer: Jumbo Size!
I tried using Stevia in the Raw in my coffee instead of the 8 servings of CoffeeMate French Vanilla that I usually dump in. Stevia in the Raw tastes like licking your toilet. In a house full of men. I'm not sure if I'm doing it wrong or what but I can't figure out how that sweetener is still on the market. Maybe I need to burn the top of my tongue a few more times? Truvia is not much better. Licking a toilet in a house full of women maybe.
And an infomercial I saw once told me to weigh myself every day. So every morning I get on the scale with my eyes closed and fingers crossed and repeat to myself "Light as a feather Stiff as a board" and then peer through one eye at the numbers. Then subtract a pound for my hair, a pound for my pajama pants, and 10 lb for the contents of my innards and wow I'm as skinny as a super model!
For exercise I do squats while I fold laundry (Ellen), flex my abs while driving (Dr Oz), and squeeze my butt cheeks while mopping (my own idea!). Once and a while I get to walk about .0002 mph with my 2 year old for about 100 ft. She won't ride in a stroller so that's out. And sometimes I power walk in the grocery store, only the perimeter of course (Dr Oz), mostly so I don't have time to stop and grab that box of Chips Ahoy taunting me from the shelf.
Oh look its time for Dr Phil!