Reckoning

I do know this is about getting in shape--or trying to be healthier, or staying sane I suppose.  I imagine it's a long journey I have started here.  But, what I didn't understand when I started writing about this is the absolute fear of laying actual reality out there on the table.

Yes, yes, I can tell you a little about what I learn in the process of re-conditioning myself.  I can talk about my crazy obsession with couponing--out of necessity really.  I can talk about my kids and I, starting to can our own food, about trying to eat more healthily. I can also talk about the psychological detriment trying to find a job in this economy is--and why I started working out--to clear my head really. 

But do I have the guts to really lay it all out there? 

Here's some background--my husband of almost 14 years is stationed 3,000 miles away.  He is stationed there based upon the needs of the Army.  I moved up here with the kids because I have severe allergies in the south--so bad that when they tested me they could only guarantee one allergy was a true, gods-honest allergy.  It was so bad, it inflamed my entire back.   I was stabbed (with tiny little needles, mind you, so not so bad) 54 times, and that one allergen engulfed my entire back.

It was dust-mites.  Something that exists everywhere--and only in cooler, more northern climates in a seasonal form. 

So, when a position became available, and was offered for a 13 month term position (that would no-doubt be permanent once I had arrived in the area, according to the hiring manager), I packed the kids in the car and headed north, to Seattle, Washington.

After the 2010-2011 budget fights, the position was eliminated.  So now, I live 3,000 miles away, with three kids, two house-holds, recently reduced unemployment compensations and a new bit of data--the emergency unemployment compensation extension I have will end after tier 3--in less than 10 weeks.   Meanwhile, the VA is fighting with me because I do not have an 'official' diagnosis, so they want to cut my benefits--really the one thing keeping the kids and I afloat during this time.(Female Veterans have a harder time finding work)

Add to that all the wonderful news we hear about people trolling the internet to cut you out of getting a job--really, Facebook passwords? (Is Your Facebook Password like your Mail, House Key or Drug Test?)  I mean Facebook is the one place I am semi-me, and there with my friends, honestly. So, really, I get a bit paranoid, wondering if anything I post online will dismiss me from getting a position. 

So when I post here, I am honestly very, very, very subdued.  Very unwilling to admit that I do have a personality and real opinions on things--because isn't that making a decision that could hinder someone from getting a position?  And, further, if I tell the truth about what this job search has been like--what I personally have gone through in this time off, doesn't that impact my ability to get a 'call-back'?

So where does that leave me and my children?  Well, it leaves the kids watching mom in an extremely high state of anxiety, stress and what my mother calls "balancing on a knife edge." And it leaves me there, on the knife's edge, wonder which side I will fall down next. It leaves me making decisions between brakes and food, between electricity and car insurance, between dog food and toilet paper.  Yes, it is THAT close and tight in the house.

So I work out--I work out hard.  I stop applying for jobs during the week when I start the downward trend toward self-loathing (don't worry all you guys who think unemployed people sit on their bumms collecting your tax dollars--I paid into unemployment a lot of money over the course of the last 15 years, and I usually have to apply for about 30 positions once I get to the top of the slope for downward spiral).  I work hard on being frugal--and remain healthy, because the last thing I need is to become a further burden on society by not being healthy and needing health-care that you feel you are paying for--when once again, let me reiterate--I served my country in uniform for over 6 years, I served in the civilian corps for another 6 or 8, and my husband (whose healthcare I fall under) has been down range 4 times, to Korea once, and has been separate from us based on the needs of the Army for the better part of 7 years out of our almost 14 year marriage.

So, saying that because I am unemployed with three kids and therefore a slug, reaping the benefits of a "welfare" state does not tell the whole story, and it does not help me, or society.   It does not help to say "get off your butt and get a job," either.  Because trust me, I try...day in and day out.

I am like desperately seeking Susan out there, pounding the pavement looking for a job I can support the kids on, while trying to get my husband stationed up here and therefore having one household. .I spend hours working to keep my skills current, hours keeping the house frugal, and hours looking for work.  Every.  Single.  Day.  

And that's all before I do the regular "keeping the household running" work, doing homework with the kids--and working on my own school-work. 

So, next time you make a judgement call on someone...make sure you have at least half the story---and no, this is not half the story either. 

The rest (of the half, that is) would truly make your skin crawl.